Motherhood is living in constant fear. Every decision you take is adjoined with a fear for repercussions and question,” Will I break my baby ? ”
As much as I am amused by the stunned looks of admiration or astonishment that I’m still breastfeeding, it has been as grueling on me as it is satisfying. After all it’s a mother’s gift to her child to be able to nourish them. I don’t know about those mothers whose kids have slept through the night ( I have only met two others whose kids never did ) but my little one has never been a good sleeper. Every two hours on the clock he would wake up yammering for comfort. You could set a clock by him. Maybe he knew that his mom is at his beck and call even in la la land. Figuring a way to work in spite of the sleepless nights, with all of my cribbing and crankiness associated I’ve loved the connection we have shared. I’ve heard that often enough thus I know I’ve been lucky to have been able to provide for him for so long.
Sleep is “supposed” to be related to brain development. Scientific supposition. Needless to say, being the human pacifier has taken 2 years of my sleep, which in turn makes me grumpier by the day and one of the many reasons I’m putting on even. Did you know weight loss requires a solid good night’s sleep? Yeah, it’s scientifically “proven”. Also, at 24+ months it seems kind of ridiculous. I wanted to stop at 18 but fate wouldn’t have it. The doting grandparents, pampering parents, his satisfied smile and the constant colds during winters forbade me from putting my foot down. Even the doctors weren’t worried as he grew healthy and happy calling mother’s milk gold and what not so I kept at it. Till the day when I couldn’t take the 3 am screams for milk anymore.
I listened to him cry on and on and on, as my own tears fell at his misery but I held on. So here I am, at 2+ weeks and 2 feeds a day, having fought a war of sorts with myself and him for our good. It’s time we got our 8+ hours of sleep in the nights and that he started having cow’s milk and a better diet.
When he stops, it’s going to be difficult for me. It’s not just his habit I’m breaking, it’s my own. Still, these two weeks have been the harder also for they have taught me that this is the first of many habits I’m going to be having to break by being strong. Seeing him cry himself to sleep every night and afternoon breaks my heart but it’s brought home the fact that no matter what else you give to your kids, no matter how much you pamper them the minute you say no, you are the enemy. The flying fists, the thrashing legs, the big big tears in those pretty eyes are too much to take. It’s horrid to feel that your kid doesn’t like you. But through it all, it’s essential to hold on to the fact that whatever you are doing is for ” their ” good. Also, the hugs and kisses you get the next morning as you both try your best to make up for the bitterness are extra valuable.
So, no matter how hard the fight within and without, know that as long as you try to do it the right way, the love will keep the smiles coming. I know this is just the start of the struggles to come. But as I’ve heard often and again, ” This too shall pass “.
Disclaimer – With my torrential experience of these two years, I often advise every single mother I meet to make sure they give a night feed of formula to their kid for better sleep for them and sanity for yourself. I stand by that now also that one should introduce formula early on, but as I get closer to letting go for our special bond and wonder if I would do have the capacity to do the same for my second ( hopefully ) kid, I’m not sure I would be able to take my own advice. 🙂
